somtimes i wonder

Sometimes I wonder at how much Jesus endured for us. And some times I wonder if it feels worth it to him. I look at us—I look at me—and I think of all that Jesus has given, all he has endured, and I cannot help but wonder.

 

And they said many other insulting things to him. Luke 22:65    

 

How was it that he said nothing? How was it that he stood his ground in those closing hours, but never defended it? How was it that he did not simply strike them all dead for abusing and torturing and degrading him while he was coming to save them?

 

Then they spit in his face and struck him with their fists. Others slapped him and said, “Prophesy to us, Christ. Who hit you?”          Matthew 26:67-68

 

Sometimes I sit and think on all that Jesus went through, and there simply are not words. And yet there are too many words.

 

they stripped him

 

crown of thorns

 

spit

 

mocked

 

struck him on the head again and again

 

And of course there are his own haunting words. Finally he speaks. And yet the words are so raw; too real. They carry such weight and pain that I guiltily realize I preferred his silence.

 

About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”–which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”       Matthew 27:46

 

Some days it feels like I can hardly take it: all the not speaking and then the speaking; all the horror of humanity raging against the only one who ever truly loved it. And I wonder at whether or not it feels worth it to the Father, Son, and Spirit.

 

And then I wonder at those last words. I love the last words. They are the best words and as last words go, they are more first and beginning than they are truly last.

 

Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.           John 19:30

 

There is a love for the unlovely that comes from our Father and it makes me wonder. I wonder at its unwavering nature. I wonder at the finish that becomes a starting point. I wonder at the power that brings life from death. I wonder at a God of perfection, a God who has all and is somehow also a God who wants us. This act of love and sacrifice, this gift of a priceless life for worthless lives, this makes me stop and stand and gawk in wonder.

 

In the truest and most genuine sense of the word, this Jesus and his gift of sacrifice is wonderful. And it leaves me full of wonder.

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